The influencer

To Dr. Dhruv
The one who told me

What am I?

A wonder of God’s creation?

A conscience scrawling out from my mothers’s womb?

A creature with a birth date?

Am I friendly?

Peaceful?

Angry?

Irritable?

Generous?

Manipulative?

Jealous?

Cruel?

Forgiving?

Cool?

What makes me me?

A combination of genes?

A by-product of my experiences?

Or am I just

Another case of genetic modification 

A meddling of medical science?

Why am I calm and quiet?

Is it me?

Or the drugs in my body?

The ones that the doctors give me?

Why am I angry?

Is it me?

Or the side-effect

Of the drugs in my body?

The ones that the doctors give me?

A precocious child was I

Full of mirth and joy

Then came the aasthma

Sleepless nights

Tiresome days

We found a medicine

It brought relief

As bitter as can be

No side effects 

It’s Ayurvedic

Headlines on paper

CORTSONE it contains

What did it make me?

What did it do
To my mind?

I’ll never know

No one you will marry

You seeker of knowledge

They’re looking for

A secretary

A teacher

A partner

An equal

Or a subordinate

You can’t be

Superior

Teachers are great thought I

They mould the child

Into an angel

Secretaries too

Are more than equal

Your profession

Does not

Define you

My parents persisted

Let her finish said they

Then we will worry

About the knot

Call from an uncle

An ad in the paper

Before I graduate

An marriage offer

A professional too

Temptation calls

Now my parents

Need worry no more

People’s jibes 

Are now finally over

Rings exchanged

We’re engaged

Demands....

That can’t be fulfilled

Out and over

The relationship broken

We have escaped!

But sadness settles

deep in my heart

My mom is sick

She can’t breathe

A little prick

CORTISONE

All is well

And then

Depression sets in

It’s in and out

All her life

Never to go

Letters drop out

From the slit

In our door

Come meet us they say

But there is

My unwilling heart

Finally a job

To join later

When my certificate
Is mine

No more proposals

No more marriage

I will chart

my own path

Cajoling and tears

Try again they say

Everyone’s not the same

Fine say I

I’ll give it a try

A fine young man

A stutter in his throat

A smile on his face

A Twinkie in his eye

Undoubtedly overweight

Something deep inside strikes a chord

He knows about my broken strings

He wants to help me heal

No engagement we say

No formalities

You’re allowed to go

Say my parents

Find compatibility

We find love

He proposes

I accept

And the story of my life

Is forever sealed

He lifts me up

From the depths of despair

We’re at the altar

a joyous pair

Our wedding

A grand celebration

Of two compatible families

Joined together

Now the surprise

That will destroy my life

A strong word

Too strong

For I’m still alive

We’re up in the mountains

In the cold

Freezing

I’m out of breath

Furiously wheezing

I’m dying I say

Can’t take it any more

My husband bewildered

Not knowing

To knock on which door

Magic happens

We’re taken

To an old man

A wise old doctor

Just a prick

Your troubles are over

Miracle happens

My wheeze is gone

I’m fine as ever

Medical science obliged

Back to home

I’m not me

I see miracles

Everywhere  I go

All is special

Life beautiful

Back to work

I’m not my past

I’m modified

That little prick

Did the trick

CORTISONE it was

That changed my life

I get no sleep

My thoughts race

The glimpses of heaven

The superior intellect

I rejoice in the power

I wallow in the pain

Seek perfection

Find ugliness

In human hearts

The delusion

The ideas

That can save

The human race

The new generous heart

Willing to share it all

The transformation

Hits all by surprise

Pushed to a wall

I’m no longer me

I’m a maniac

An angry

Aggressive

Deluded

Animal

Was I meant

To be this person?

Then trouble comes

Things put together

By one and all

She’s possessed

They say

Get her exorcised

A mysterious man

In the dark corridor

Don’t talk to that girl

Whose room you share

The devil is in her

Oh what do I care

She talks to me

about her life

The discussion wanders

To numerology

A word

I’d never heard

I use Numbers she says

To predict the numbers

Of the future

I think she is

In need of help

Her fingers mangle

Her eyes rotate

I grab my Bible

Not read what it says

Fear awakens

Screams inside

I shut my eyes

And face a new day

There she is

And another

She bounces unnaturally

And the other screams

We are a legion

We are greater

She screams back

Come get me

They are praying

I’m frozen

Mesmerised

A look from the priest

Pray!

I do my best

Not my world is this!

I’m tested again

The priest meets me

And let’s me off

Not told a thing

What’s going on

But I’m palmed off

To a shrink

He stares at me

Intently

With an all knowing gaze

And that’s when I get

The lithium

Oh had we known

What was in store

We would have scurried

Down that mountain

And rushed

To our abode

But now I have
The side effects

Of the side effect

Of CORTISONE

Certified bipolar

My body drugged

My brain benumbed

I sleep it off

I’m a changed person

This time

I’m nice

Pleasant

Quiet

Dumb

Is that the real me?

Whispers at the office

I’m drooling on my desk

But they are kind

I keep my job

People are kind

With their all knowing smile

Not one asks....

What happened?

Too touchy a topic

To be touched

But I am lonely

No one to pour
Out my heart

No one to tell

What I’ve been through
Except my mother
But she too
Uncomfortable
With the discussion
Forget the past she says
But it just can’t
Be wished away

They are all kind

And patronising

Full of sympathy

And understanding

But my friends
Drift  away

My coworkers also

My neighbours too

And my family

They protect

They cushion

But no one wants to

get into the taboo

The loneliness

The depression

The medicines act

I get better

Asked for a transfer

My boss is an angel

My faculties awake

I do what I enjoy

the most

Solve problems

There’s satisfaction

Everyone’s there

But not a friend

Incapable I am

Of conversation

My memory plays tricks

On my mind

I don’t want any
Interaction

I’m crazy they think

They know

I’m seeing a shrink

Sent out of town

Crisis strikes

In the organisation

As usual

Another miracle

A surreal experience

I stumble upon
A major solution

No one knows

But the guy next door

That I did find

That billion  dollar number

They spent sleeplessness days

Hunting for

The old age home
Happy to be
Of service
The Holy mass
Oh who is there
But the priest I know
In a foreign land
The nun

She looks into my soul

Your husband is elsewhere

You are here

There is none

In your home

A child

Is what you want

That’s your happiness

My eyes glisten

I want a child

Not possible with the medicine

Side effects....on the fetus

I have a solution

No medicines say I

I’ll ride my mania

In the confines of my home

Brilliant I say

I will beat the system

My husband plays along

Month after month

No sign

Of life

Worry not says the doctor

We create life

No hassles involved

Just a few injections

I fall for the trap

Those little pricks

Don’t hurt at all

The hope in my heart

Burns bright

The day arrives

That positive line

Praise be to God

Life has arrived!

The side effects

Of the hormones

I’m a changed person

Again

The racing thoughts

The mighty plans

Gods hand I see

All is divine

The allegations

The imperfections

Of all but me

The need to give

I see the poor

My life’s ambition

To make the world

A petter place

A million things

I can do

To make things fine

But is that me?

Back to drugs

Hospitalised

The fetus gone

No light in my life

My hope is gone

My ambitions to

I sleep all day

To get through

That primordial need
For a child

Refuses to go

I’ve quit my job

I’m calm, I’m placid

I just need documents

To get my child

Get a daughter I’m told

A son won’t do

A daughter would make me happy

As much as a son

Up in the morning

To that holy place

Little bungles of joy

In tiny cribs

Some have no hands

Some no feet

But they all

Clamour
For your touch

They don’t let go

Of your fingers

Clasping them

In their little hands

The defective ones
My heart goes out to
 Not for you they say
The foreigners
They take them

You take that bundle
The pediatrician
Examine
All is well
Shes certified

Paperwork I’m told

My doctor certifies

I’m mentally fit

To nurture a child

Am I, I wonder

To be a mother?

The day arrives

This beautiful bundle

A big empty smile

A gurgle

Just skin and bones

She slowly grows

Those pretty eyes

Mom’s sleeplessness night

To feed that babe

And let me sleep

Before we know it

She’s on her feet

Speaking her language

So innocent and sweet

A companion she needs I say

To be her joy

To share her lot

Of being adopted

No say the sisters

The queue is long

So many parents...

Waiting....

I reconcile

On my way home

A ring...

I hurry back

My husband is there

Our joy knows no bounds

God has given us...

another.....

We are overjoyed

Two girls to love

Our family complete

She’s different

The little one

Unsatisfied

Drives me crazy

But she’s our joy

Wealth is ours

And Health too

Happiness follows

Fatehpur Sikri
The Dargah
The only man
In a lungi
Tia a knot
A baby boy
In your arms
We balk
We’re complete
Our children our ours
Daughters are better
Than any other

But fate deals

Another hand

That day....

I’m pregnant

It’s been 3 months

I never knew

I’m perfectly fine

Then comes the stress

He won’t be fine

The doctor says

A cleft

A limb

Or worse....

Our hearts are pierced

I fight back

Scour the net

For hope

Limb or cleft

Or worse....

He’s a gift

A God given one

Ours not to choose

We carry on

The hormones rage

The mania

I’m hospitalised

My health destroyed

The care

The warmth

The fear welling

In my heart

The chosen day

Not Gods chosen one

He’s cooked enough

We’ll get him out

We play along

The doctor knows

They cut me up

I feel no pain

No anxiety

The prick

Has taken care of that

He’s out

He’s lifted up

For me to see

A vision in pink

His body complete

A miracle...

All is fine

And joyous again

Then the cough

And the wheeze

I insist

No CORTISONE

It’s just a millionth

Of what you got

It won’t harm him

Sleepless nights

Soothing my child

CORTISONE I will avoid

My doctor’s gone

Back to another

That medicine you’re taking

You don’t require

We meekly submit
To medical advice

Mania overtakes

My kids suffer

My husband pleads

I swallow

It’s not suicide

I tell him the dosage

But he’s paranoid

The hospitals won’t take me

We turn to the government

I see the apathy

And run away

To my workplace

I’m deluded

Trying to meet

The one I think

Can bring change

I’m in rehab

Drugged

Sleepy

Lonely

Tied up

My days float away

Missing my little ones

Every single day

No one wants me

The patients....

I talk too much
They say

True

It’s difficult to deal

With a bipolar

I’m resigned to my fate

Meditate they say

But I can’t

Concentrate

Injustice

I can’t stand

That’s the part of my self

I recognise

To be my own

Finally back

My 3 kids

There to hug

My 3 good friends too

My world is back

But what am I?

Dull

Boring

Anxious

Shy

Lonely

Eyes everywhere

All knowing

No single question

Of where I’ve been

Not from family

Not from friends

Not from neighbors

Not from anyone

All are warm

All our friendly

But no one wants

To intrude

To know mystery
How are you keeping?
That's all they ask
A question?
Or decency?

Hushed voices

In the backround

She’s not well

Sleep it out

Rest

You’ll be fine

Fine?

What’s fine?

I’m alive

A forced smile

I try to find happiness

In my lovely family

But something deep

Is still empty

I’m practically useless

I’m languishing

In mediocrity

I’m a housewife

Kids in school

Everything is done

Like clockwork

I pretend

To be content

What am I now?

A farce?

Stress strikes again

I’m being abnormal
I want to donate
To the church
A small amount it may be
Its a sign
Of generosity
Of bipolarity

I fight

I reach out

To the family

A call for help

She’s going down again

They surmise

I’m turning aggressive

Like a dog

Pushed into a corner

They panic

Rehab they say

My parents shelter

But they can’t take it

Any longer

Rehab it is

The same grind again

Back

In a couple of months

I’m normal again

Or am I?

Was I this

A Complacent thing

Restrained and low

A dimwit?

Stress strikes again

They observe

The little abnormalities

Not less than three

Declare

I’m having an episode
She's walking too fast
She's going up and down the ramp
The same one
My husband now uses
She's voicing
Her dissent

This time

My parents stand

By me
In rock solid support

The rehab is booked

But they refuse
To let me go

The phase is over

And I’m back home

My husband

Gets it at last

He says he would try

His best

Not to stress

My son is funny all the time

As happy a child as can be

A nagging thought
Fills my mind

Why the mood swings?

Why the difficulty

In writing

In spelling

Why is it

So tough for him

I turn online

For answers

A word

Dysgraphia

Why him I cry?

I need to search

There’s an answer

It’s CORTISONE

He’s cooked we were told

I wish I knew

To cook his lungs

There was a prick

The CORTISONE

Why I cried

Wasn’t I told

The doctors decide on their own

Then there’s the day

I lose control

I cannot walk

Unconscious
I’m taken

To the hospital

Detoxified

It’s the Lithium

The dosage reduced
My memory damaged
But I'm fine

At last I’m free

Don’t know how long

My feelings now

I think

Are my own

The quiet joy

The peace

Reconciled

With my fate

I may not have

That many friends

My daughters going

Through teen rebel

But life is good

For Today

Drugged

Compliant

Anger at times

Indignant

At injustice

Happy

Sad

Are those swings

Bipolar

or CORTISONE?

DOES HE EXIST??

Wasn’t it He

That saved me

As a child

When I was lost

That man who led me

Back home

From that fearful place

Was it just a coincidence?

Wasn’t it He

That gave me the strength

To deal

With the wheezing
Lead me to that doctor
Who gave me relief
Was it just a coincidence?

Wasn’t it HE

That led me

To the wise old priest
Who said

If it is meant to be

It will be

Else it shall pass away

And pass away it did

I was no longer engaged

Was it just a coincidence?

Wasn’t it He

that helped me

To ace my exams

When I was in despair

Was it coincidence

That that page I last saw

Was the question

I had to answer
Was it just a coincidence?

Wasn’t it HE

That gave me my husband

The one who had sought my hand

Before I was engaged

To another

Was it just

A coincidence?

Wasn’t it HE

That saved me

From the devil

In my room

Alone in the night
Was it just a coincidence?

Wasn’t it He?

That gave me my daughters
That gave us courage
to go to the doctors

When I was certified

Medical fit
Was it just a coincidence?

Wasn’t it HE

That led me to that hospital
To the doctors
That gave me my son

A living miracle
No cleft
No missing limb
No retardation
Was it just a coincidence?

Wasn’t it HE

Who gave me
My greatest help
My soul sister
My maid
Who mothers my kids
Takes them for her own
When I am gone
Was it just a coincidence?

Wasn’t it he

That showed me

That billion dollar error

Was it

Just a coincidence?

Wasn’t it HE
Who walked with me
My son in my womb
When I felt unsafe
In Seven Hills
The hospital
Took me
To the Holy Spirit
Hospital
To the blessed
Sacrament
Three and a half
Kilometers
I walked that day
Knowing where
I wanted to be
But not knowing
The way
There I go into the chapel
I’m searching for
The hospital
There it is
The blessed sacrament
I kneel I pray
For my unborn child
The sister
Then leads me
Back
To seven hills
Where they gave him
The cortisone
Was that all
Meant to be
Was it
Just a coincidence?

Just yesterday
I want to know
The distance
Between seven hills
And Holy Spirt
To add to
My blog
I take the phone
The teacher sends
My daughters location
I open the link
It shows
In bright red
The location
Of
The Holy Spirit
Hospital
Wasi it just
A coincidence?

Wasn’t it HE

That led me

To the websites

To the doctors

To the rehab

To the medicines

Not just for me

But my family?

Was it just a coincidence?

Wasn’t it HE

That blessed us

With wealth

With happiness

With peace

Beyond measure

Wasn’t it HE
That gave me

A family full

Of warmth and love?

They may not want to ask

They many not want to talk

About the taboo

But they stand by me

Through thick and thin
Was it just a coincidence?

Was’nt  it HE

That guided me

Through the years

Not letting me falter

Hinting at his presence

Through all the coincidences

Wasn’t it HE

Who led us

To Potta

The verse I uttered

The  verse in the opened Bible

The verse in the talk

All the same

That can’t be coincidence

They continue to happen

Once in awhile

But I’m at peace

The peace we received

In prayer

It doesn’t matter

Any more....

These coincidences

For now.... I Know

True my kids have their issues

They often wander off the path

Of wisdom and of truth

My son’s handwriting

His spellings

May or not

Get better

My bipolar self

May not go away

The rehab

May beckon again

Ill do my best

To walk his path

To speak up

For what I think is right

If it lands me in trouble

I don’t much care
What people say

They don’t want

To hear me

Anyway

I am me
Sometimes
happy
sad
angry
loving
hating
deluded
aggressive
peaceful
placid
jealous
greedy
doubting
and so on,,,,
but that's all me